Sunday, February 10, 2008


The sound of the knocks reverberated throughout the room. Everyone’s attention was drawn to the door, but nobody answered it. The knocking continued. At last, John threw back his head in a gesture of confidence and walked over. Hesitantly, he eased the door open, revealing a very angry woman.

“Are you John Morgan?” she demanded immediately.

“Yes, I’m John Morgan. King John Morgan to you,” corrected John. “And I’ll thank you to tell me what the hell you’re doing here. We’re trying to have a party! I just killed a monster, you know.”

“Oh yes, I know all right!” said the woman, her face red with anger. “I know what you did, you awful man! But I’m not here to celebrate. You killed my boy Wendel, and now I’m going to take revenge!”

“Revenge?” said John skeptically. “And how do you plan on doing that? I’m stronger, faster and smarter than you are, probably.”

“I’m going to file a lawsuit so big you won’t even know what hit you!” cried the woman.

“You and your son have a lot in common, like saying things that don’t make any sense. ‘A lawsuit so big I won’t even know what hit me?’” asked John. “Regardless of how big the lawsuit is, I’m pretty sure I’ll always know it’s a lawsuit. I’m not stupid. You really need to work on your threats. Good day. Wait. Scratch that. Bad day.”

He slammed the door and barred it, leaving Wendel’s unfortunate mother alone in the cold. John returned to the feast, and for a time he forgot all about the incursion of Wendel’s mom.

But in the night, she came. She came with lawyers, deceitful, treacherous. She came and she filed suit, and when John awoke the next morning he was most displeased.

“What?! She actually filed the lawsuit? How is that even possible; I’m the king of this stupid country!” yelled John. “I’m going to have a word with this lady. Pompetus, where does she live?”

“At the bottom of a vile lake, my Lord; but I must caution you against –”

“Excellent,” said John. “Come on Bill, Jeannine. We have a lawsuit to avoid. Then we’ll take those men I earned and try to find 50 more before the battle.”

After breakfast, John, Bill and Jeannine left the castle and went searching for the lake. Of course, Pompetus had never gotten a chance to tell them where it was, so they looked for quite a while without finding anything.

Finally, after a lot of tedious searching, they did find a lake, but it was the wrong lake, so they turned back and set off for the castle again, where they got more specific directions from Pompetus.

After Pompetus told them what to look for and where to look for it, they left once more. After about an hour they stumbled across another lake – a vile lake.

“This must be the place,” said Jeannine. “Something doesn’t seem quite right about this, John. I mean, how does she stay alive underwater?”

“I tried to stay alive underwater once,” said Bill. “I was pretending I was a fish. I like fish. Especially salmon. With lemon. I don’t like lemons though; they’re too sour. Oh, but I like Shock Tarts. They’re shocktastic!”

John grabbed Bill and roughly shoved his head underwater. He held it there for a few minutes in a half-hearted attempt to drown his insufferable companion, then gave up and decided to dive in himself.

“Wish me luck!” he called.

Jeannine began, “Good lu –”

“I wasn’t talking to you,” said John curtly. “No, not you either, Bill. I was talking to that tree over there. I care more about what that tree thinks than I do about either of you. Well, down I go!”

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