CHAPTER FIFTY FIVE

LV
“It looks like I’ve got you right where I want you,” said the old man, pointing his gun alternatively at Mischa and Rupert. “You must’ve thought you’d have an easy time robbing me, what with my being old and all. How wrong you were!”

“Please Comrade, we just wanted money so that we could clone ourselves!” supplicated Mischa. “We didn’t mean you any harm.”

“If you didn’t mean me any harm, why did you beat me up?” demanded the man. “You could’ve just asked for the money, you know, instead of pummeling a poor, defenseless old man.”

“Would you have given it to us if we had just asked you?” asked Mischa, surprised.

“Of course not, I would’ve sicced my lions on you,” replied the man. “Oh, I know what you’re thinking: ‘lions?’ Yes, lions! I’m rich, so I can afford them. They’re much better than dogs. Infinitely more leonine, which is a word that means having to do with lions. Clever, no? Now, what was I talking about again?”

“You were just about to give us more money, to make clones of ourselves,” said Rupert, “and let us walk out with that and the money we already found.”

“Oh, really? That doesn’t sound like something I’d do, but I’ll take your word for it,” said the old man, throwing a wallet stuffed with money at Rupert.

Rupert caught it, being a great athlete, and he and Mischa turned around ready to leave, when all of a sudden, they noticed that there was a lion blocking their path. It looked angry.

“I have never seen a lion so angry!” shouted Mischa fearfully. “And I have seen many an angry lion, Comrade!”

“I have too, Mischa, but I’ve seen lions much madder than this one” said Rupert. “Don’t worry, I know how to deal with angry lions. All I need is my trusty – ah, crap, I didn’t bring it. We’re screwed.”

But then down from the ceiling fell Ted, the receptionist from Dr. Awesome’s office! He had been hanging from a chandelier the whole time.

“Dr. Awesome told me to let myself get eaten by the lion to help you two escape,” he said. “He said I wouldn’t die though. I didn’t believe him, but then he said some stuff about being awesome, and I dunno…it was pretty convincing.”

Unfortunately, Ted was merely learning first-hand how Dr. Awesome fired his receptionists.

“Well Comrade, I guess we should escape now,” said Mischa, several minutes later.

“Good idea, Mischa. Good idea.”

The two men ran as quickly as they could, past the sated lion and out the door, safe and – more importantly – with all the money they needed. Beautiful, beautiful money.

“That was a pretty successful venture, Comrade,” noted Mischa. “And best of all, nobody important got hurt! Now, let us return to Dr. Awesome.”

“We’re running out of time though,” said Rupert. “We have less than an hour left, and we won’t make it if we go back the same way we came. I think we should take a shortcut through this haunted forest.”

“Are you sure, Comrade? That seems a little unnecessarily dangerous, if you ask me.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, did you think I was asking for your opinion? Because I wasn’t. I don’t value your input,” said Rupert. “Now come on – do you want that clone army or not?”

“Of course I do!” said Mischa. “But I think putting our lives in jeopardy again just to cut ten minutes off our walk is a little stupid.”

“That’s Commie talk, Mischa. You’re not a Communist, are you?” pressed Rupert, taking out his bowie knife. “You know what happens if you are…”

“To the forest!”