CHAPTER FIFTY SEVEN

LVII
Mischa and Rupert ventured into the haunted forest with much trepidation. It was dark and dank, tenebrous and gloomy; none of the trees had any leaves, yet somehow, no sunlight could penetrate the upper canopy. Instead of birds, bats fluttered about; the woodland creatures were indistinguishable from one another, because it was impossible to get a good look at them – they all appeared to be no more than sets of malevolent red eyes.

“Boy, this forest sure is haunted, Comrade,” said Mischa. “I cannot remember the last time I was this frightened! I sure hope nothing bad happens.”

Nothing bad did happen though, and they passed through the forest without incident, arriving at the rentsy faux-volcano more quickly than they would have had they not taken the forest route, as per Rupert’s prediction.

“See Mischa, I told you it’d be okay,” said Rupert. “When it comes to things like this, you should just listen to me from now on. I’m obviously better at making plans than you are. I’m stronger too. And more attractive.”

Rupert went on for another five minutes or so as the two descended the spiral staircase. They reached the end and searched around for the door, which they had some trouble finding despite their knowing where to look.

“You two sure got here fast,” said Dr. Awesome, “for people who aren’t awesome. You have my money, I presume?”

“We certainly do, Comrade!” said Mischa. “This should be more than sufficient to pay for 99 clones of one of us.”

“Awesome,” said the good doctor. “It’ll take me approximately one second to make all the clones. I just need to know which one of you wants to be the model.”

“Well, Rupert is probably the better fighter, so I think we should clone him,” said Mischa. “We are going into a battle, after all.”

“I think Mischa’s more expendable, so we should probably clone him,” said Rupert. “We are going into a battle, after all.”

“Well this is a dilemma that won’t be resolved by you two,” said Dr. Awesome. “No, the only way to solve this problem is for me to be the model. 99 copies of Dr. Awesome, coming right up!”
Dr. Awesome retired to his private cloning room, cheerfully leafing through the innumerable bills Mischa had handed him. One second later, he marched out, followed by Dr. Awesome, and Dr. Awesome, and…well, 99 more Drs. Awesome.

“I have never seen so many copies of one person before!” exclaimed Mischa. “Thank you, Dr. Awesome. You have truly done us a great service. Now I am certain that I will win the battle for Cyprus.”

“You’re welcome!” replied all the doctors in unison.

The original then stepped forward, looking only slightly more awesome than the other 99. He put one hand on Mischa’s shoulder, then another on Rupert’s. He didn’t look at either one directly, instead staring straight between them.

“You two had better win. These are the most awesome clones ever made. If they fail, I’ll know it’s entirely your fault,” he said. “Now get the hell out of here! It’s time for me to find a new assistant. I have a feeling that moron Ted has met with an unfortunate accident. And by unfortunate, I mean awesome. For me. Not him though, he wasn’t awesome at all.”

Shaking his head, the doctor left. Mischa and Rupert stood there for a while, just admiring their 99 Dr. Awesome clones. Feeling very satisfied, they then proceeded to leave the island.

The plane they’d commandeered was still sitting there, untouched, and who should be waiting outside but Captain Arousing, looking more arousing than ever.

“I wondered where he’d gone,” said Rupert. “Hey, Mischa, I think it’s time we test these clones out. Clone 56! Kill Captain Arousing!”

One of the clones leapt forward with blinding speed and, with one punch, decapitated Captain Arousing. Mischa and Rupert looked at each other excitedly for a second and could find only one word to express their feelings:

“AWESOME!”