Sunday, April 20, 2008


Well, it's been fun, but it looks like I've reached the end of The Ultimate Book. Again, I wrote this a couple of years ago and really only posted it incrementally to be a dick, but I hope those readers who've read it enjoyed reading it. I mean, I enjoy reading it, so it must be pretty awesome.


John, Bill, and Jeannine were all sitting around their dinner table one Tuesday night in August. The wedding was five years ago. Nothing of importance had happened since, and it was very unlikely that anything ever would again.

“Pass the potatoes, please,” requested Jeannine.

“Here you are, dear,” replied John.

“So guess what happened to me today,” said Bill. “You’ll never guess. It’s the most amazing thing ever. I’ll give you three guesses.”

John smiled, “Did you find another penny?”

“How’d you know?” asked Bill, slightly put off.

“I’m John; I know everything!” replied John. “And you’ve said the same thing at the same time for three days now.”

They all burst into hearty laughter. Bill was now more or less like a son to John and Jeannine, so they had thus far decided not to have a child of their own; likewise, Bill had decided not to marry anyone, but his reason was simpler: no woman could tolerate him.

John’s house had been rebuilt, right after the wedding. Well, it wasn’t so much rebuilt as replaced. John had decreed that his palace in Denmark be airlifted overseas and placed right where his old house was. It was the finest house on the block, not least of all because of their assiduous groundskeeper, Pompetus.

Everyone envied the Morgans, with their wealth and power and perfect marriage. As Jeannine often pointed out, marrying John had really been quite convenient, since having been married to his uncle Claudius already, she didn’t need to change her last name again.

From time to time, Mischa and Cyprus came to visit. John was a little apprehensive about letting Cyprus in, what with her boundless evil; but she tried to keep it in check whenever she was there, and their visits were always pleasant.

Mischa, as he had planned to do, had found Rupert in Rome right after the battle, and he too was a frequent guest at the Morgan dinner table, sometimes alone, sometimes with Mischa and Cyprus. A stationary life never really suited him though, and he continued to work as a mercenary.

“You know John, one thing always bugged me about that whole Josiah Malum business,” said Jeannine, setting the potatoes down.

“It was heads up too. That’s better luck than heads down,” continued Bill.

“What is it, Jeannine?” asked John. “You’re still thinking about that thing? That fool will never bother us again, you know; there’s no use worrying about it. It’s all in the past, and we have our whole future ahead of us.”

“True, but…well…this one thing just nags at me. We spent all that time fighting his evil plan, but what was his evil plan? He never came out and said it, and you never told me either,” said Jeannine. “I mean, it’s really frustrating to work so hard against something without fully knowing what it even is.”

“Yeah, she’s right!” said Bill. “You promised you’d tell me too, but you never did. What was Josiah’s plan, John?”

“Oh, I never told you two?” said John. “He was going to buy out Blockbuster and bring back late fees.”

“Ah. That would’ve sucked,” said Bill, nodding.

John looked around the table, at his loving wife and best friend, then shook his head happily and smiled.


It was John’s favorite day of the week.

The End it?

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