CHAPTER SIXTY

LX
John, using the light from his magical sword – and the terribly out of place yet amazingly convenient light-bulb – searched the cave for what seemed like hours. It was really only about a minute, but time has a way of slowing itself down when you’re bored.

“Oh, screw this,” he spat. “I’m going to take a break.”

John sat down on the damp cave floor and sighed, then noticed that diamond shield again. He stood up, walked over to it and bent down, examining it more closely now. It glistened beautifully in the light given off by his sword, and he knew that he had to have it. So he took it.

Then, miraculously, the room grew ten times as bright. Everything was lit as clearly as though it were daytime; there was nothing John couldn’t see. He then saw, under the shield, an unmistakable trap door, which he opened. He tried peering down into it, but even the radiance emitted by the diamond shield couldn’t penetrate that darkness.

Throwing caution to the winds, John jumped in. Thankfully, the drop was only about five feet, so he didn’t sustain any injuries; and perhaps even more thankfully, he now found himself in a secret chamber which held – you guessed it! – all of Errour’s captives.

Arms and legs bound in iron chains, they were all gaunt and pale, as though they’d been there for many years…which they had. None of them even bothered to look at John; they all just assumed he was a new prisoner, not worth regarding.

“Hey!” called John. “I’m here to rescue you all so you can fight in a battle for me. Come on now, let’s go.”

Nobody moved.

“I killed that monster,” continued John, undaunted, “by using my superior intellect. I’m a genius, you see. What the hell is wrong with you people? You’re free!”

He approached one and smacked him hard across the face.

“Are you even listening to me?” he demanded, now very annoyed. “I went through all this trouble finding the cave and killing the monster and this is how you ingrates repay me? I should – oh, wait a minute. You’re all dead.”

Slightly disappointed, John prepared to leave, when he remembered something. If the diamond shield had the power to illuminate a cave, surely it had other powers as well; perhaps it could revive these captive warriors!

Grasping the shield firmly and holding it aloft, John recalled the time he’d seen Evil Dead, and he proceeded to chant some nonsensical words which, sure enough, resurrected all fifty prisoners. As zombies, no less.

“Great, now you’re all my loyal slaves,” said John, looking upon his handiwork with satisfaction. “Follow me!”

The zombies all obeyed John’s command and, with some difficulty, followed him up the ladder and back out of the cave. Together they marched back toward John’s castle, news which a watchman delivered to Pompetus, causing him to cry.

A short while later, Bill and Jeannine returned, having not found anything on their respective paths. When they saw John approaching the castle, surrounded by a hoard of zombies, they grew worried, assuming they were the monsters residing in the den. They hurried forward.

“Don’t worry John, I know how to deal with zombies!” cried Jeannine. “You just need to decapitate them. Use your sword!”

“No, you idiot,” castigated John. “These zombies are the warriors I freed! They’d all died, so I brought them back to life. Now I have a hundred men under my command: this battle is going to be a piece of cake.”

“Why?” asked Bill.

“Do you want these zombies to eat your brain? They will if I tell them to.”

“Haha, that’s funny, John. I don’t have a brain!”

“Of course, how silly of me…fine, they’ll eat your X-Box.”

“I’ll be good,” said Bill meekly.