Sunday, December 2, 2007


John and Bill sat together on the plane, waiting for their flight to begin. John was still nervous about their predicament, but he was relieved, confident that the situation was – at least for the moment – under control. Bill wasn’t worried about anything in particular, but he was unreasonably excited, never having been allowed to ride an airplane before.

“I hear we get peanuts! Do we get peanuts?” asked Bill.

“Yes. Yes we do,” replied an already irritated John.

“Oh. I’m allergic to peanuts,” answered Bill.

John gave a dismissive grunt of annoyance and took out one of the complimentary flight magazines, which he started to read with great interest.

“So what’s this thing called again?” asked Bill.

“What the hell are you talking about?” questioned John.

“You know! The thing we’re in!” answered Bill.

“You mean…the airplane?” asked an incredulous John.

“Right! Right, the airplane. What’s an airplane?”

“Like a flying car.”


“Like a moving box.”

“I see. What’s a – ”

John took his complimentary pillow and shoved it violently into Bill’s face, transforming his annoying questions into muffled grunts. After a minute or two, Bill more or less stopped struggling, so John let go of the pillow and returned to his magazine.

“Now that is a quality flowerpot!” he said, something catching his eye.

There were no other passengers on the plane, since the flight left at 3:00 AM, a very inconvenient time for most people, especially taking into consideration the fact that the airline also offered a 6:00 AM flight to the same destination. Why there was a 3:00 AM flight at all remains a mystery to this day.

After the inevitable twenty minutes or so of sitting around waiting for something to happen, the plane slowly started to move. Around this time, Bill regained consciousness, much to John’s dismay.

As the aircraft rolled down the runway, steadily picking up speed, an announcement came over the loudspeaker. Hearing the disembodied voice, Bill thought it was God.

Attention all passengers: I’m Captain Arousing. I’ll be your captain on this flight. That is all,” said the captain.

“What a strange name,” mused John.

Instantaneously, the door to the cockpit burst open and a large, arousing man stormed out of it. He had a pair of unnecessary flight goggles strapped to his forehead and wore only a powder blue kimono. He looked as though he would make a fine stripper.

“Which one of you assholes was making fun of my name?” he demanded, looking menacingly from Bill to John with his fists raised.

“I was,” replied John.

“Oh, all right then,” said Captain Arousing.

He turned around and returned to the cockpit, whistling an erotic tune. John returned to his magazine, casting a disapproving glance at Bill, whose face was pressed up against the window. And John had the window seat.

“Do you mind?” asked John acidly.

“No, you can read. It’s all right with me!” said Bill.

The flight continued, and Bill was delighted, even though there was no in-flight movie, to which he’d been looking forward greatly.

About two hours in, John, realizing that Bill was almost certainly utterly clueless as to what was going on, decided to fill the man in on the circumstances of their situation.

“Now because I ripped up that letter, I’ve been marked as a target by the Department of Evil. Shamus Flanagan is working against them for some reason. We’re going to Mexico to hide and meet up with Shamus’s contact. Still with me?” asked John.

“I’m sitting right next to you, duh!” answered Bill.

Ignoring Bill completely, John continued, “It seems Josiah Malum is trying to go ahead with his plan despite my brilliant interference.”

“What is his plan, anyway?” asked Bill.

“I’ll tell you later. So although we’re going to Mexico to hide, I think we should also try to do everything in our power to stop him. I’m sure Shamus’s contact will help us out with that. Agreed?”

Bill, however, couldn’t answer, as he’d eaten a bag of peanuts and was slowly dying.

“God dammit Bill.”

1 comment:

Sandra said...

Bill's resuscitation/resurrection should be either spectacular or anti-climactic. No in-betweens from you.