CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE

XXXV
John, Bill, Mischa and Jeannine awoke the next morning, eager to continue their search for the whereabouts of Josiah Malum. Well, John was eager, anyway. Bill was too stupid to realize what was happening, Mischa would rather have died than been forced to see his boss again, and Jeannine was just hopelessly attracted to John. But John was eager – very eager.

They wandered around the city for a while before realizing that they had wandered around that precise area on the previous day. They also realized that they had absolutely no clue where to look or whom to ask. Defeated, they sat down on a park bench.

“This is hopeless, Comrades,” complained Mischa. “At this rate, we will never find Josiah. I think we should give up and stop looking for him and vow never to see him again!”

“No, that’s the loser’s way out, Mischa,” retorted John. “We’re going to keep looking and we’re going to find him.”

“Yeah! Whatever John just said!” agreed Bill.

Bill and Mischa began quarreling, giving John time to contemplate his next move. He decided to make use of the logic skills that only a US mailman would possess.

“If I were Josiah Malum, where would I – THE COLISEUM!” he yelled, suddenly standing up and running toward the immense stadium, which was conveniently mere inches away.

His three companions followed, and before long they stood at the entrance. As they walked through it, however, dozens of armed guards jumped out to block their path.

“We have been expecting you,” said one confidently. “You are all under arrest for conspiring against Josiah Malum. Please follow me to the dungeon.”

John decided to play along, and he gestured for the others to follow him.

“Comrade, are you sure that we should allow ourselves to be captured like this?” questioned Mischa.

“Yes, Mischa. I have a plan,” lied John.

The guards led them down to a small, dark dungeon, which only had one window. Through this window they could see a splendid, verdant courtyard, but not much else.

“Now the door here doesn’t lock, so you’re all on the honor system not to escape,” said the guard, leaving.

After a few hours of bickering and show tunes (the latter provided by Bill), Mischa noticed that someone was entering the courtyard. It was the most beautiful woman imaginable – Cyprus Papandrou.

She was sacrificing a live deer to one of her gods, and her ritualistic pagan dance was the loveliest thing Mischa could recall ever having seen. His heart began to race.

“Comrade! Look at that woman,” said Mischa, gesturing for John to look out the window.

“Wow, she’s really hot,” said John, to Jeannine’s great displeasure. “I’ve never seen someone drink blood so erotically!”

“She’s not that great,” said Jeannine bitterly. “Besides, it’s not like it really matters. We’re stuck here indefinitely, so neither of you will ever get a chance with her.”

“You have a point there,” said John dejectedly.

They stood there disappointed for a few more hours, at which point a guard came through the door holding a rolled piece of parchment in his hand. He unfurled it ostentatiously and read it.

“The boss says you’re all free. Except you,” he said, pointing at Mischa. “You have to stay here – FOREVER! And it says here that I’m supposed to laugh now, ‘for as long as necessary,’ but I’m gonna skip that part. I’m trying to get fired.”

The guard stood there for a moment, then turned around and left, and John, Bill and Jeannine followed him.

“Comrades!” called Mischa, “You are going to come back for me, right? Right, Comrades? Hello?”

When they were back aboveground, John turned to Jeannine. Bill had run off to chase after a car (he really liked the blue ones).

“Okay, here’s the new plan. I’m going to try to get that woman to go out with me, and you’re going to go kill Josiah for whatever reason we had. Got that?” he said.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather ask someone else out, John?” asked Jeannine, a prurient glint in her eye.

“Who? Bill? Are you insane?! Just stick to the plan, Jeannine!”