CHAPTER SEVENTY FIVE

LXXV
Josiah was distraught. Not only had he failed with Cyprus, twice, but now his failure had discouraged him from carrying out his evil plan. He just couldn’t concentrate, try as he might.

“Damn that woman! I wish I knew what she were thinking, like she knows what I’m thinking. I really ought to find a way to stop that,” he said to himself. “No, no. She’s out of your life now, Josiah. Move on. Begin the evil plan. Yes. The evil plan! Sublimate your anger into planning ability!”

He set to work once more, but he was shortly interrupted by his secretary, who entered the room looking nervous – Josiah was notorious for shooting the messenger, both literally and figuratively. The last person to give him bad news was still decaying on the floor of Josiah’s office.

“Mr. Malum, moments ago your scouts spotted Jeannine, Bill and John – now alive – leaving the Underworld. Mischa was not with them. We have reason to believe he was found out and killed, probably because of his gross ineptitude” she said.

“That’s a shame,” said Josiah insincerely. “So! John is back, is he? Well, I can’t very well begin my evil plan with him still around. He’ll have to be dealt with. Brutally.”

Josiah halted his evil plan – again – and began contriving new ways to neutralize John. There was some difficulty involved; after all, if a man comes back from the dead, he’s obviously a pretty tough person to get rid of. Josiah lit a cigarette to help him think, and just as he was raising it to his mouth, the idea came to him.

“Of course! I’ll just kill him myself!” said Josiah. “It worked for Sanchez and Shamus; why wouldn’t it work here? Yes! It’s brilliant! Hades never brings people back to life more than once, I’m assuming.”

And with that, Josiah left his office, getting into his private helicopter. He nodded to the pilot, putting a fresh pack of cigarettes into his cup holder.

“Take me to the home of John Morgan,” he instructed. “There’s going to be an unpleasant little surprise waiting for him when he gets there: me! I mean, I. I almost disregarded the rules of predicate nominative there. That would’ve been embarrassing.”

The pilot nodded, and they were off. Josiah was much happier now, having practically forgotten about Cyprus altogether.

Unbeknownst to the Secretary of Evil, however, the metal endoskeleton he’d had implanted was more than just a metal endoskeleton: it was also a tracking device. Someone was listening to him all the while.

Dr. Doctor Graham, the man whom Josiah had turned down for the assistant job right before he’d hired Cyprus, had sworn revenge on Josiah Malum for rejecting his application. He’d concocted a number of elaborate schemes, finally settling on one when he heard that Josiah was in a coma.

He had managed to sneak into the hospital and perform the complicated bone-replacement surgery without anybody’s noticing, and now he could keep constant tabs on the Secretary.

“That fool thinks he’s going to kill John? Not if I have anything to say about it!” said Doctor. “And I do have something to say about it.”

He got into his car, turned it on and accelerated to top speed, recklessly chasing after Josiah.

“I could’ve been his assistant. I could’ve been the most loyal, dedicated assistant ever. But now I am his enemy. And he shall feel my wrath!”

CHAPTER SEVENTY FOUR

LXXIV
“What the hell do you people want? How dare you disturb me?” thundered Hades. “I’m in a bad mood today, so whatever you’re about to say, make it quick.”

“O mighty Hades, King of the Underworld,” began Jeannine –

“Save it. I’m not in the mood for fulsome obsequiousness,” ordered Hades. “Just tell me what you want so I can laugh in your faces for having the audacity to ask me.”

“Well,” said Jeannine, “Our friend John was killed in a battle, and we were wondering if you could give him his life back. It’d really mean a lot to us. To me, anyway.”

“No,” replied Hades. “I’m in too bad a mood to grant that kind of request.”

“Why are you in such a bad mood?” asked Jeannine. “That seems to be the only thing anyone here can talk about.”

“I’m in a bad mood because my old secretary quit, I had to find a new one, and I hate him. Saul!”

Into the room bounced a happy-looking boy who looked to be around 16 years of age. Jeannine wondered why he had died so young, then realized that he was probably murdered, because the urge to kill him had already struck her.

“Hi!” said Saul cheerfully.

“He’s the worst assistant I’ve ever had,” lamented Hades. “My old one, Death, was much better. Saul can’t even obey the simplest instructions!”

“Then why’d you hire him?” asked Jeannine.

“I wish I knew,” answered the god. “Anyway, Saul! Get out of here. I am bored with you.”

“Yes ma’am! I mean, I mean, yes sir!” said Saul, tripping over his own feet as he kowtowed out of the room.

Jeannine had already begun to formulate a plan, Charon’s advice beginning to make sense. Hades hated Saul, and because of that, he was in a bad mood, which made him reluctant to help them. So…

“If you bring John back to life,” said Jeannine, “we could take Saul off your hands! We already have a new assistant lined up too: Mischa Petrovitch. He used to work for the Secretary of Evil.”

“Josiah Malum? Wow, his assistant would be nice to have. I’ll bet he’s really evil, isn’t he? Sadistic, cruel…isn’t he?”

“Umm…sure.”

“That’s great! All right, I’ll give your friend his life back. Where is he?” asked Hades.

“He’s right outside this room,” answered Jeannine.

“Excellent. Saul! Come back in and bring that body,” commanded Hades. “And don’t screw it up!”

“Right! Anything you sir, say. I mean, say, sir. I mean…no, that was right. Was it? Oh no!”

“SAUL!”

Saul stumbled into the room, dragging John’s body behind him with great effort. After several awkward minutes, he managed to carry the body to within a reasonable distance of Hades’ throne. He stood there until Hades pointed sternly at the door, through which Saul nervously scurried.

Hades looked down at John and snapped his fingers. John sat up instantly, gasping for air – alive. He looked around, wondering why he was now alive, and then saw Hades. Having minored in Greek mythology, he immediately recognized the god for who he was.

“Hades?” he asked. “Am I in the Underworld? Did you bring me back to life? Who brought me here? Why am I asking questions; I’m the smartest man in the world.”

“John! You’re alive!” cried Jeannine, rushing forward to hug him.

“I should’ve known,” chuckled John, shaking his head. “I suppose I owe you some thanks, Jeannine. Without you, I’d still be dead.”

“Hi John! Sleep well?” asked Bill. “That was a really long nap! The last time I slept that long, my mom came into my room and started poking me with a mop, and then I woke up and she made me mop the floor because the mop was already there.”

“Shut up, Bill. And who’s that?” asked John, pointing at Saul, who was sneakily peeking in through the open door.

“That’s Saul,” answered Jeannine, “Hades’ new assistant. He’s an idiot. We’re taking him with us and leaving Mischa with Hades.”

“Mischa’s here too?”

“Yes, he was following us, probably on Josiah’s orders,” answered Jeannine. “We left him back at the River Styx. That’s where you’ll find him, Hades.”

Hades nodded, then said, “Before you all leave, how about helping yourselves to a few…pomegranate seeds?”

“But I can’t spell pomegranate!” protested Bill.

Everyone burst into laughter, and they departed.

“I really can’t.”

CHAPTER SEVENTY THREE

LXXIII
Jeannine and Bill now stood before the palace of Hades, dozens of times larger than the Blizzard’s ice castle and John’s in Denmark put together. Extending higher than either of them could see, it was made entirely of granite. Statues were carved into it at various points, statues depicting the other gods talking about how great Hades was.

“So he’s arrogant,” noted Jeannine. “Maybe that’s what we’re supposed to take advantage of.”

Skulls and bones bordered a path that led to the entrance, ominous gates crafted from silver and adamantine (the metal from Paradise Lost, not the one from X-Men). They were quite impenetrable. Above them a message was inscribed in Latin, which neither Jeannine nor Bill could read, thereby ensuring that it had no bearing on the plot whatsoever.

Slowly Bill and Jeannine walked down the path, their trepidation growing with each step. Unbeknownst to them, Hades was watching them the whole time, thanks to his newly installed closed-circuit security camera system (crystal balls were just passe, and he was deathly allergic to arrases).

“Who are these fools that approach my palace with such trepidation?” he asked himself. “Don’t they know I’m in a bad mood today?”

Bill and Jeannine reached the gates. They rang the doorbell, but it was no ordinary ring: a cacophonous shriek pierced through the dense, dank air, striking cold terror into their very souls. The gates opened.

“You go in first Bill. You’re expendable,” said Jeannine.

“Right!” agreed Bill, merrily skipping inside.

Shortly after they both entered, the gates slammed shut behind them: there was no way out. But this didn’t faze Jeannine at all – nothing would have stopped her from going forward.

They wandered through the palace, ridiculously lost. That they saw no one was even more unnerving than the sporadic ghosts they’d run across before. After about an hour though, it wasn’t so much terrifying as it was annoying.

“I swear we’ve been through this corridor before,” said Jeannine, frustrated. “Oh, this is stupid. HADES! We come here as supplicants; we are in need of your help. Show yourself!”

Nothing happened. Jeannine sighed and they continued onward. After another half hour, they reached a door they hadn’t yet seen. This one was different from the others in that it didn’t open when Bill tried it.

“In this room is either Hades or something Hades doesn’t want us to see,” concluded Jeannine. “We’ll need to find a way in. Bill, I have to use you as a battering ram.”

Jeannine gently set down John’s corpse and picked up Bill, backing up and preparing to charge into the locked room. As she started running, however, the door opened, and she merely ran right through.

The door shut as soon as they were in, and John’s body was left outside. Furiously, Jeannine dropped Bill and tried to open the door again, to no avail.

The lights went on. Jeannine looked over at Bill, who was stupefied with fear. She slowly turned to see what he was looking at – it was Hades, sitting on his magnificent throne. Her first thought was indeed that he was in a very bad mood.

CHAPTER SEVENTY TWO

LXXII
Jeannine and Bill were carrying John’s body together now, as it seemed to them as though the closer they came to Cerberus, the heavier John became. The road wasn’t long, but it took them quite a long time to walk it; and when they neared the end, they found that they could hear the monster before they could see it.

A foreboding growl and discouraging howl nearly sent Bill running in the opposite direction; indeed, he would have run if it hadn’t been for the leash Jeannine had put on him.

Then they saw him – or them, rather. Well, I don’t know, really. Would a three-headed dog be considered one animal or three? I mean, probably not two, that wouldn’t make sense at all…I suppose that since it has three heads and thus three brains, it would be considered three separate entities; but the fact that they have to share the one body lends a lot of strength to the other side of the argument. It could really go either way. Anyway,

Bill saw Cerberus and immediately rushed forward to pet him, evidently unaware that this dog looked far more likely to kill than to cuddle. Surprisingly enough though, Cerberus loved being petted, and as soon as Bill began, the dog’s tail started wagging fervently.

“I have no idea why, but it’s working, Bill! You’re stopping the monster!” called Jeannine. “I knew you’d start pulling your weight sometime!”

“Monster? Where?” asked Bill.

He looked at the creature he was petting and for the first time realized that it was, in fact, a gigantic, three-headed dog. He panicked, stopping his petting and backing away fearfully. Bad move.

Cerberus started growling again (all three of him/them), this time moving menacingly forward. It was clear that he intended to eat Bill, or at the very least maul him.

“Bill! You need to pet him again. He likes it for some reason!” said Jeannine quickly.

“But my mom says I’m not supposed to pet any dog with more than two heads!” cried Bill. “I’ll get grounded! Last time I was grounded I wasn’t allowed outside for a month, so then when I was playing hopscotch, I broke a lamp, and mom got real mad, and then I wasn’t allowed inside for a month, so I had to go to purgatory. It was real boring.”

“Well if you don’t pet the dog, you’ll get eaten!” argued Jeannine. “Just do it, you idiot! Do it for John!”

Hearing the name of his best and only friend, Bill was filled with a new confidence; he strode forward, arm outstretched, and began petting Cerberus once more. It worked; the beast was placated.

“Now just keep petting him, Bill,” instructed Jeannine, slowly moving forward, “while I sneak stealthily past with John’s body. Once I give the signal, stop petting him and run to me; we’ll go on and find Hades together.”

“What?” asked Bill, who hadn’t understood.

“Pet the dog till I get back,” said Jeannine, increasing her speed significantly.

She walked past Bill and Cerberus and, once clear, broke into a run, which was rather difficult as she was carrying John’s body and she wasn’t very strong.

Bill stopped petting Cerberus. The dog growled, preparing to strike, but then its target disappeared. Bill had become invisible, sneaking past Cerberus and going to join Jeannine – they were almost there.

CHAPTER SEVENTY ONE

LXXI
Josiah sat in the back of his Escalade, bitterly sipping brandy. He was upset about Cyprus’s rejecting him, but he knew he couldn’t let such an insignificant triviality interfere with his evil plan. He was an evil genius, after all; he was above such menial setbacks as rejection.

“So what, Josiah? You’ve been rejected before. And how did you deal with it then? You exacted sweet revenge upon the women who rejected you! Yes, that’s what I’ll do. Nothing cheers me up like vengeance,” he said to himself. “Except berating Mischa. That and vengeance are tied.”

Josiah now greatly desired a cigarette, but he had spilled brandy everywhere and wasn’t exactly eager to set the car on fire, so he restrained himself.

Before long, the car arrived at the airport, where Josiah’s private jet was waiting. He gave the order for departure back to Washington and waited in the cabin, pouring himself another glass of brandy. The plane took off, picking up speed on the runway and launching itself into the air. It was a smooth ride.

“I’ll get my vengeance on Cyprus,” he said, “after I complete my evil plan. The evil plan must come first; I’ve put it off more than long enough already. I just wish this infernal plane could go faster.”

He poured yet another glass of brandy and downed it in one gulp. Shortly afterward, the plane landed in Washington, and Josiah got out, opting to walk to his secret lair in the Pentagon rather than call for a limo. The fresh air would do him good.

Arriving in his Pentagon office, Josiah set to work immediately, making all of the calls and double-checking all of the crucial documents. It was finally happening; his evil plan was beginning.

But then, quite suddenly, Josiah realized that he was in no mood to work that day. He threw the documents to the floor and told his secretary to cancel the orders he’d given, figuring he could just give them again tomorrow.

“Damn that Cyprus!” he cursed. “No woman’s ever had this effect on me before. I’ll need to get my retribution now. Then that pitiful excuse for an ecumenically psychic woman will learn that nobody turns down Josiah Malum. Nobody!”

And with that, Josiah set to work again, this time with a different goal in mind: to get back at Cyprus for rejecting him. Of course, he soon realized that he didn’t have any idea how to do so.
At length, Josiah concluded that the best way to get back at Cyprus would be to call her and beg for a date, so he did.

“Hello Josiah,” said Cyprus on the other line.

“How did you know it was me? This is a secure line!” shouted Josiah, irate.

“Forgetting I’m psychic was cute the first few times, but now it’s just a redundant gag without any real humor value,” replied Cyprus. “I’d ask why you’re calling, but I already know. Because I’m a psychic.”

“Well?” demanded Josiah. “Will you go on a date with me or not?”

“Of course not. The fact that you’re asking over the phone instead of in person doesn’t change a thing. If anything, it makes me less likely to agree. Is that all? I have to sacrifice a virgin to the god of bloodshed.”

“But can’t you see we’re made for each other? I love the god of bloodshed! We’re going bowling together tomorrow! He house sits for me sometimes!” pleaded Josiah.

“Sorry, Josiah. Wait. No I’m not.”

She hung up, and Josiah hung his head.

CHAPTER SEVENTY

LXX
Bill, Jeannine and Mischa waited patiently at the edge of the ghostly river with John’s body. A dense fog hovered over the water, and they could see nothing more than a foot in front of them. Jeannine checked her watch. The ferry was late.

“You’d think the Underworld would have punctual transportation,” she complained. “This is just as bad as the bus service!”

“Oh, I wouldn’t go quite that far, milady,” said a creepy, skeletal voice from somewhere on the river. “I’m runnin’ a little late today, oh yes, but I’m normally very reliable. Don’t go makin’ assumptions now.”

They could now make out the distinct sound of water being paddled, and shortly afterward an old looking boat came into sight. A grinning skeleton was steering it: it was Charon, ferryman of the River Styx, though of course none of them knew that. Bill gave a yelp of fright. Mischa gave a shriek of fright. Jeannine reached into her purse and pulled out some money.

“We’d like to cross the river,” she said. “How much would that cost us?”

“This is the Underworld. I don’t take American money, milady,” said Charon. “We switched to the Euro a few years ago; it’s just easier. You’ll have to pay some other way.”

“Perhaps one of us could sacrifice himself,” suggested Jeannine. “Like Mischa! Oh, don’t look so offended; you know you deserve it. It’s the least you can do after defeating John like that. Who do you think you are anyway?”

“But Comrade, I cannot be offered as a sacrifice!” protested Mischa. “I am allergic!”

“Quiet down, the lot of ya. I don’t take sacrifices neither,” interrupted Charon. “But I have an idea, that I do. One of you can work off the debt. I need a vacation.”

“That’s fine. Mischa, you’ll take Charon’s place until we return from our meeting with Hades,” said Jeannine. “Don’t drink that water, Bill. It can’t be good for you.”

“But I do not like manual labor, Comrade!” protested Mischa again. “It offends me.”

“Whoa, you folks are goin’ to Hades? Why’d you wanna do a stupid thing like that?” asked Charon. “He’s in a bad mood today, you know.”

“We’ve heard,” said Jeannine flatly. “Anyway, now will you let us cross? We’re in a hurry.”

“Sure thing, sure thing, settle down,” said Charon, beckoning for them to board the boat. “Keep your arms, legs and tails inside the vehicle at all times; no eating, drinking, smoking or fire-breathing is permitted onboard - and I bloody well mean that. All ready? Off we go!”

The boat zoomed away from the stygian shore, accelerating at an alarming pace – it was much faster than they were expecting, given Charon’s comically slow paddling speed.

“So why are you folks off to see the boss?” he asked again. “You never answered my question. That’s pretty rude, that is. Maximilian would have a fit. Have you met him? Polite chap, that one.”

“Yes, we know. And we’re going to ask Hades to resurrect my lo – our friend, John,” said Jeannine. “He fell off a horse and died.”

“That’s tragic, that is. Tragic,” said Charon, nodding. “But Hades doesn’t grant requests like that often, you know, even when he’s in a good mood. You’ll have quite a challenge convincin’ him, that’s for sure.”

“Do you have any suggestions?” asked Jeannine.

“Take advantage of the situation. That’s all I’ll say,” answered Charon. “You’ll know what to do when the time comes.”

“That’s pretty vague,” began Jeannine. “Do you –”

“Here we are: the other side of the River Styx! Right, now you,” he said, pointing at Mischa, “you’re staying here. Just paddle it back and forth, and make sure you don’t let anyone on who doesn’t pay. I’m off to my friend’s ghoul party! See, it sounds kind of like pool, get it? Oh, you Americans never get anything. I’ll be back in an hour.”

Charon stepped off the boat and started heading right, muttering bitterly all the while. Jeannine and Bill followed suit, going left. Mischa shot Jeannine a desperate look as she exited the boat, but she pretended not to notice.

“All right Bill, we need to take this path for approximately three miles. Then we should reach that three-headed dog Maximilian told us about. Hmm, I wonder how we’ll get past him,” said Jeannine. “If John were alive, he’d suggest feeding you to the dog, but…”

“Don’t worry Jeannine. I have a plan!” said Bill confidently.

“Really?” asked Jeannine, surprised.

“No. But I wish I did!”

CHAPTER SIXTY NINE

LXIX
John’s corpse, Bill, Jeannine and Mischa walked closely together through the Underworld, all of them incurably terrified. Well, not so much John’s corpse, since he was dead and therefore incapable of experiencing emotions such as fear, but the others were terrified.

“Where is Hades, Bill? We seem to be walking around in circles,” said Jeannine, ducking quickly to avoid a passing ghost.

“Over there,” said Bill, pointing at Mischa.

“No Comrade, I am Mischa Petrovitch!” said Mischa. “I do not know why you would think I am Hades. I am not nearly intimidating enough!”

“Oh. I don’t know where he is, then,” said Bill. “Unless that’s him!”

“No Comrade, that is me again.”

Distraught, Jeannine took over as leader, a change which made very little difference. Not only were they in the most evil place in all existence; now they didn’t even know where they were going.

After another hour of aimless wandering, a figure approached them, and unlike the various ghosts and ghouls, this one knew what he was doing. Mischa shrank back, Bill didn’t see it, and Jeannine moved forward bravely to confront it.

“Who are you?” she asked shakily as the creature became more visible.

“My name is Maximilian Vandevris,” he said. “I am the greeter here, and the politest being in the universe. Welcome to the Underworld, Bill Williams, Mischa Petrovitch, Jeannine Morgan and John – oh dear me, he seems to be a bit dead, doesn’t he? A pity…a pity.”

“Yes, John is dead,” said Jeannine. “If you’ll let me explain the – well wait a minute, first of all, how do you know our names?”

“Pardon me for noticing, but you’re wearing nametags,” replied Maximilian. “Though I must compliment you on your extraordinary penmanship, Ms. Morgan.”

“Um. Thanks?”

“Yes, in that situation, ‘thank you’ is the appropriate response. Thank you for asking me to confirm it!” said Maximilian. “I am most grateful.”

“You’re welcome,” replied Jeannine confidently.

“Welcome accepted,” added Maximilian.

“Oh, um, acceptance…acknowledged?” tried Jeannine.

“Acknowledgment recognized!” responded the greeter.

“Recognition…huh?”

“The word you are searching for is noted. ‘Recognition noted’ is the proper response. But you did very well for a surface dweller! Now, how may I be of service?” Maximilian asked.

“Well, my companion John has been killed, and we wish to ask Hades to resurrect him,” explained Jeannine. “If you could tell us where he is, we’d really appreciate it.”

“I suppose I could,” said Maximilian, “but I must warn you, Hades isn’t in a very good mood today. He’ll probably refuse your request.”

“We’re willing to take that chance,” said Jeannine firmly. “Where is Hades?”

“You have to cross this river, the River Styx. Thence, you must find a way past Cerberus – oh, he’s an adorable little puppy! He has the cutest tail, and three heads, and he loves playing fetch,” added Maximilian after seeing the puzzled expression on Jeannine’s face. “Just yesterday he learned to roll over; it was so precious! Anyway, after him you’re more or less home free, but again, Hades is rather contentious today. I wish you all the best of luck!”

He bowed obsequiously and shot Jeannine a dirty look until she reciprocated. Satisfied, Maximilian walked away, pompous as could be.

“All right Bill, Mischa. Let’s cross this river!”

“How?” asked Mischa. “It doesn’t seem very navigable.”

“We’ll take the ferry,” answered Jeannine. “This welcome pamphlet has the schedule on it…let’s see…ah, it should be here in six minutes. We’ll wait quietly until then.”

“But what about –”

“Quietly, Bill.”